


All's Fair In Love and Prank Wars

by mahons_ondine, Mangacat, silkylustre



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M, Misunderstandings, Podfic, Podfic Length: 20-30 Minutes, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahons_ondine/pseuds/mahons_ondine, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mangacat/pseuds/Mangacat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkylustre/pseuds/silkylustre
Summary: When Arthur does things, they get done. Quick, efficient, orderly.When Eames does things, they escalate. They always do.When Arthur retaliates, things get ... interesting. And blue.A tale of two temperaments, discovering that they're ultimately working towards the same goal, told in messages hit and missed.There were no pigtails tugged in the making of this love story - there probably should have been.
Relationships: Arthur/Eames (Inception)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12
Collections: Pod_Together 2020





	All's Fair In Love and Prank Wars

**Author's Note:**

> A/N MANGACAT: There is so much say about this collaboration, but I am a recovering wordvomiter so I'll aim to keep this brief: Ladies, it was a pleasure and a privilege, playing with you (Here's to not going down with this ship).
> 
> SILKY:  
> Ondine, thank you for writing a beautiful character dynamic that leaves the two as true equals! I greatly enjoy the emotional range you gave Eames! Thank you being both an amazing writer and an amazing person!  
> Cat, the fact that, on listening to the first time, I wanted to punch Eames in the face for being an unbearable smug bastard is entirely your fault. Thank you for you directions! And the editing. All the editing.
> 
> ondine: This fic could not have ever been written without my partners. Cat, Silky, you made this fic. Literally, I think prank wars was your idea. You were amazing to work with. You let me bounce ideas off of you. You encouraged me. You put up with me constantly adjusting things and being behind. I'm so grateful that you were my teammates for this project. And then I got to hear your recording and it is even better than I could have hoped. I am awed.  
> Thank you. Thank you for your talents and your friendship. I can't wait to work together again.

All Soundeffects via free standard licence courtesy of [Zapsplat](http://www.zapsplat.com)

[Listen to Arthur and Eames, right here! - Click for streaming or right-click and save.](http://pod-together.parakaproductions.com/2020/All%20is%20fair%20in%20love%20and%20prank%20wars.mp3)

Digital Archive 462378466 - Found Footage Transcript:

 **Eames’ Voicemail Box:** **Hello you old rascal. You’re probably interrupting something dreadfully important. Gambling. Boozing. International espionage. The usual. If you leave a message that isn’t disastrously boring I might call you back. Come now, don’t leave a guy hanging--**

 **“** Eames, call me back posthaste. I have a proposition for you.”

**Arthur’s Voicemail Box: You have reached the voicemail box of ‘Operative 278487’. Please leave a message at the beep.**

“A proposition, darling? I thought you’d never ask. You know where to find me.”

“Already blown through the Inception paycheck then? Goodness Eames, do you ever learn? Fine, I’ll be in Marrakesh tomorrow. You know where.”

“Sure, sweetling. I’ll be there with bells on.”

“Pleasure doing _business_ with you, as usual, darling.”

“Mr. Eames! This kind of behavior is utterly unbecoming of a gentleman, no any man! Any grownup! This is the kind of behavior a _child_ would know better than to do. But not you, Mr. Eames. Not you. I will not be pulled into some sort of puerile prank war! I can’t believe your flagrant disrespect for your colleagues and your abnegation of your responsibilities in favor of scurrilous drawings and uh _(Arthur clears his throat)_ even more exaggerated captions. I will be destroying these notebooks. And I will not be replacing them. I expect you to do so from your own dwindling funds. _(pause)_. . . And don’t be late tomorrow!” 

“Darliiiing. It helps the creative process for me to draw. I don’t need notes. I just need to understand every aspect of my body. So that I can better change it, you understand, yes? Every single unexaggerated inch must be lovingly explored. I would be happy to give you a one on one lesson if you need a bit more hands on knowledge. But I’ll be there, snowflake. And ready to work as always.”

“Milk” 

“Buy yo- _(muffled)_ No Eames. Bad Eames. Shoes off the. The couch. Not off your feet. Why do I bother to buy them nice things? “ 

“Yogurt. Not that Chobani trash. And for fucks sake just buy him the notebooks. Better than finding scraps of paper all over the warehouse. There’s no shame wanting to actually get things done.”

“Anyway darling, this is just to say. I have eaten the yogurt. That was in the refrigerator. And which you were probably saving for a 3 am snack because you’re a heathen, eat a piece of cake. Forgive me. It was mediocre at best. Lemon is a terrible flavour. “

“ _(through gritted teeth)_ Check whole foods. If they don’t have them try Gristedes. If _they_ don’t have them the only option is Jersey and if I have to go to fucking Jersey on a friday night with the bridge and tunnel crowd I will shoot myself and Eames, and it won’t be in a goddamn dream.”

“Darling did you say you’re going to Jersey? If you’re by that lovely little Japanese megastore could you pick up some of those mushroom cookies? The little ones? They’re so evocative. Such memories.”

“Darling you got me notebooks! Ah they’re lovely! And the pens. Perfection. You really do spoil me. I think perhaps you like me, Arthur. Have you considered this? You should really consider this. I am, of course, eminently likeable, so really it would be quite shocking if in fact you didn’t like me. And look you got me presents even though it isn’t my birthday. Ah romance!”

“…How did you do it? Arthur. Tell me. I know it was you. Did you get Yusuf to do it? He wouldn’t.. would he—”

“Arthur. Pet. Darling. Get it off. I’m too beautiful for this. Yusuf says he won’t help me because he’s more afraid of you than me, and that’s really not fair. He’s my friend! Make it stop.”

“…Arthur, please. I apologize. It’s spreading. I don’t know how it keeps spreading. A little girl on the sidewalk outside called me a smurf. I’m sorry! It was the drawings wasn’t it? I won’t do it again! I promise just make it stop, I don’t want to be blue anymore, darling. Being blue makes me feel so blue! It goes terribly with my complexion.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Eames. I think you make a lovely blueberry. It’s quite an improvement over your regular style. Try lemon yogurt. That should help.”

“Note to self, drop off the cleanser after he tries the yogurt. Acquire photographic evidence if possible. Eames is vain and this may provide leverage in the future.”

“Photos acquired. Hide them well. Triple encrypted server for sure. Keep copies on phone for personal use…”

“Mr. Eames, there is no excuse for this lack of professionalism. Where do you even get this many post it notes? I’m sure this is some sort of post-modern commentary on the way we no longer write anything down, and only use digital mediums, or perhaps it’s just commentary on the fact that I left you a few helpful reminders on your desk. I’m sure I don’t know which. But there’s no call for covering my entire desk. And chair. And whiteboard, with post-it’s, stating simply “darling”. It’s an astonishingly poor use of resources and time. Think of the rainforest, Mr. Eames. Also, this is coming out of your paycheck, same as the notebooks. And the yogurt. At this rate you’re going to be paying me to do this job, Mr. Eames, and I assure you I will collect in whatever manner I see fit.”

“Well darling, you are quite fit, so I suppose you should just look in the mirror. Unless you’re thinking of another kind of fit, in which case I hope you’ve been practicing. I’ve been told I’m quite a lot to take.”

“Eames: somehow I don’t think they meant that the way you think they did.”

“Pick up some supplies. It’s been too long, and now that the job is over… Maybe Eames would like to go out somewhere? A date? God no, Arthur. That’s too much. Maybe just takeout? Something. We should do something. He’s more than a fuck.”

“Well aren’t you just the sweetest, Arthur! I made you dessert, darling. Think of it as my apology, yes? For apparently being such a … not so big disappointment. I’ll have you know I have never had any complaints before. But we’re not all of us such... queens. At least now we know why you never called. Anyway, it’s in the fridge in the loft. I would run and grab it before handing in the keys! And no darling, you’re not dreaming. Check your token! Oh dearie me. I just realized you’ll have to sweeten up a little first!”

“For godssakes Eames, it’s nothing to do with that. What part of go to ground after Inception did you not understand? Fuck. Dammit. I hope you didn’t leave a fucking mess for me to clean up at the loft. I’ll call you later. Jesus, what fucking ridiculous--”

“I’m very disappointed in you, Mr. Eames. Your full salary will be wired to you. Do not contact me again. And for your information, I am allergic to strawberry, even strawberry jello. Even if I’m only digging through it for my only certain lifeline to sanity and safety. Good day, Eames.”

“Dearest Arthur. Darling. Darling Arthur? Arthur, look darling. I realize you’re probably quite upset with me now. It’s a violation of privacy. How could I? Blah-dy blah blah. I know, pet, I know. But I’m a thief. It’s what I do dearest Arthur.

And besides, we rustle about in people’s subconscious’ for a living. I didn’t think… I should have thought. But I want you to know I was very careful. I waited until you arrived at the warehouse before leaving. I wouldn’t have let anyone else touch your totem. All in good fun and affection of course! You know that too, darling. It’s all in fun and affection. It’s all because… well we are friends, aren’t we? I like to imagine we are. I know I’m not your precious Cobb, but we have a rapport.

Gosh Arthur, I know that’s not fair. And I didn’t think—of course after Mallorie… I am sorry, darling, I am. So I thought, well, one more little violation of privacy couldn’t hurt, yes? At least I’ve been to this safehouse once. Do you remember? New Years? It was 4 years ago. I, well I was a coward. I left before you woke. You acted like you didn’t remember. So much for auld lang syne and all that. But I let you. And then Mallorie jumped, and it was rather a moot point, wasn’t it. Ah crumpet. And now I’ve gone and truly bollocksed it all up.

So here I am. Your cold apartment. Trying to make amends. I thought a tape recorder would be better than a call. And that way I could leave this too. _(click of Eames’ token against the table)_ It’s only fair, darling, you should have mine after I took yours.

Keep it. As long as you aren’t speaking to me, I’ll know I’m awake.

_(door crashes open, recorder clatters to the table)_

‘Don’t move a muscle or I’ll—Eames? For fucks sake Eames. Do you have no boundaries? Do you really not know when enough is enough? You tease me? Fine. You kick my chair. You insult me to my face. You insult me behind my back. FINE. You make fun of me with your ridiculous flirting, as though it would be so hard to imagine that there might be something alive and warm and beating inside my chest instead of the ice cube you continually insist is there. Like it’s so funny to you that I might like you. Haha, silly stick in the mud Arthur. Hasn’t got a heart. Probably doesn’t even have a cock! Well fuck you, Eames. I most assuredly do, and it’s been quite well reviewed, thank you kindly. And then you ruin my concentration. Almost make us lose this job. Get post-it note glue over every inch of my desk! And you would think that post it notes would not be a problem, but it’s been so hot and there were so many, everything has been just the littlest bit sticky. And if that weren’t enough you took my token. You took my token and you put it in jello. Like some kind of pathetic child. It’s the one thing that is sacred, Eames. The one thing. You know why we have them. You know. You were her friend first, don’t pretend you don’t remember.

And you had to eat the yogurts. Do you.Have any. Idea. Howharditistofindthosefuckingyogurts?! I went to three different stores, Eames. Fuck. _(gun safety clicks back on)_

What are you doing here? Haven’t you done enough?’

_(Chair creaks out, sound of someone sitting)_

I was just leaving, darling. _(Eames tosses the chip across the table and walks to the door)_

‘Wait—’

_(silence)_

‘Is It real?’

Come on, poppet, would I tease you like that? Besides, you’ve held it before, haven’t you?

‘I could ruin you, you know. With this. I could make it so that you never knew which way was up. Keep you waiting on your heels for the kick for the rest of your life.’

I know.

‘Eames this is dangerous. You can’t just let people—’

Not people, Arthur. Just you. Whichever way you tell me up is, that’s the way I’ll go.

‘…’

Are you? Arthur are you crying?

‘That was just so beautiful.’

Oh gracious, you’re a complete sap.

‘You love me.’

Yes darling, of course I do. Didn’t you know?

‘You love me! I have to tell Cobb. I have to tell everyone. It’s the greatest love story of all time don’t you see?

You’re making fun of me.

‘Now, now Mr. Eames, surely you know I don’t have a fun bone in my body. Well, at least not yet. Perhaps you can help with that?’

This feels like a trap.

‘No. The trap will be the handcuffs. 

Handcuffs _(Eames makes some high pitched squeaking noises here)_

‘Yes of course. You have to be arrested! After all, you’ve stolen my heart!’

…

‘Because you’re a thief! Get it?’

My goodness. You’re bloody ridiculous. Have you always been this ridiculous? 

‘I’ve always been ridiculously in love with you!’

Oh poppet, that’s very sweet. 

‘Shut it, Eames. I didn’t mean. Well, it isn’t that I didn’t mean… it’s… are you a sharpie?’

What?

‘Because you’re super fine!’

Are you drugged darling? Are you ok?

‘Yes of course! I am intoxicated by your love!’

This is amazing. You make puns. No one will ever believe me!

‘I can’t help it! I get a kick out of you! Get it! A kick!’

You’re bonkers--wait! The tape recorder. _(rustling, crows with excitement)_ It’s still running. I can have this moment forever.

‘You recorded this!? _(squawks)_ I am going to kill you, Eames.’

No you loooooove me.

‘I may love you, Eames, but it won’t prevent your murder. I may be drunk on affection right now, but it just means I have a good tolerance for power. No one can ever know. Give it to me, I’ll put it on the triple secured alpha server with the photos. ’

Wait, _(yelping and shuffling)_ go back to the I love you bits. I won’t make fun, I won’t make fun!

_(crash, recorder buzzes out, the end)_


End file.
